Saturday, December 7, 2013

what not to do to your single friends when you're attached;

as promised, here's my first dating-related post.
i posed two questions to my close friends: 1) how to be a good single friend to your friends who are in relationships and 2) how should friends who have significant others treat their single friends/what not to do around these single friends.
i think all of us have at one point or another in our lives felt annoyed by the action of our friends in relationships (when you're the single friend). therefore, i had a lot of input for the second question and as such, will blog about that first.
but don't worry, since i am well aware that a friendship requires both parties making an effort, i will make sure to blog tmr about question #1.

here's how to avoid being that attached friend that everyone can't stand (in no particular order):
1. Don't treat your single friend like a backup - only calling when you have no plans with your significant other. Also, having no time for your single friend because you're always spending time with your significant other. 
  • I think most people can agree that they dislike it when their friend falls off the face of the planet just cause he/she started dating. This will make your friends think that you don't value their friendship. And when tough times come for you and your significant other, don't expect your friends to be there.
  • Also, when hanging out, don't suddenly cut appointments short just because your significant other suddenly wants to meet. Your life doesn't revolve just around him/her. 
2. Be considerate. Dating is important but don't forget your friends that were there for you all the time when you were single. Set some time aside for them.

3. When meeting up with your single friend(s), don't just talk about how you're happily in love the whole time. Yes, give an update but then move on to other conversation topics.
  • Also, when out with your single friend(s), don't just text your significant other the whole time. Pay attention to the conversations going on; you can talk to your significant other later. 
4. Don't make your single friend the third wheel by dragging him/her along on your date with your significant other/inviting your significant other to join you when you have plans to hang out alone with that single friend.
  • If you absolutely want to invite your significant other, suggest doing a double date. I'm sure you're as interested in your single friend's happiness as he/she is. Offer to introduce him/her to someone who you think would be suitable for them. 
5. Don't bring your significant other to every single girls' night. Girls have their girls' night and guys have their guys' night. These outings are precious because secrets are shared that may not necessary be appropriate for all to hear. 
  • If I'm the single friend and I'm not particularly close to your significant other, I don't necessarily want him to know all my deepest and darkest secrets. That's why I have my girlfriends. I don't need extra ears listening to my secrets/secretly judging me. 
  • Don't show up to invite only events with your significant other without asking ahead of time. It throws everyone off guard and can lead to an awkward situation for all. 
6. When bringing significant others to outings occasionally, be sensitive to the feelings of your single friend. If you're going to keep rambling on about BTO and marriage plans, sure your single friends would be happy to hear about your progress and updates, but if it's the only conversation topic all night, you will eventually isolate him/her.
  • There are a lot of other things to talk about such as family, work, vacations, etc.
7. If in a clique of 5 girls where 4 girls have boyfriends and one doesn't, be understanding if the one single friend wants to be excluded from outings where all significant others will be present. Do not put pressure and do not rub it in their faces that they're still single and you're not. No one in this world wants to be single, even if they say so.
  • This includes verbal invitations to hang out. If you and your boyfriend like to hang out with other couples, please don't extend an invitation to the clique in this manner: "my boyfriend and i like to hang out with other people too. friend 1/friend 1 bf/friend 2/friend 2 bf/friend 3/friend 3 bf/the only single friend, you're welcome to join us anytime." Yes, I understand that you don't want to make the single friend feel excluded from the invite but by doing so, you have just made the single friend feel the deepest sense of loneliness possible. He/she will definitely not feel included at all. 
8. No excessive PDA in front of single friends. It makes everyone uncomfortable. Be considerate in both actions and words, taking into consideration the feelings of your single friends, especially if they are severely outnumbered in the group.

9. When hanging out in a group and your single friend talks about how he/she is frustrated with his/her dating life, just because you're at a different stage in life and cannot necessarily understand, don't just brush it off and say something like, "everything will work out/your time will come." He/she really just needs you to listen and will appreciate it even if you can't give any good advice or say something like, "I understand how you feel." It's that simple: listen. 

10. Find that balance. I think #10 summarizes very well the key solution to all the above issues. All you have to do is find that balance between your significant other and your friends. Spread time pretty evenly because both parties are very important people in your life. Don't get too caught up in your own love life. There is a reason why people need both friends and a significant other in their lives. If you can't find that balance, don't be surprised when you find yourself with only one and not both in your life later. 

what are your thoughts?
anything you feel strongly about that I missed out? leave me a comment!
and don't forget to check back for the next post on how to be a good single friend.

are you that annoying attached friend? if you're guilty of any of the above, now you know haha. time for a girls' night!
here are some of my favorite girlfriends to end this post (they would never do any of the above to me hahaha):

ah it's 3 a.m. and so i should sleep. goodnight!

xoxo,
C

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