Saturday, January 18, 2014

running over the stages in my mind;

we all lose friendships at some point in our lives.
sometimes the other party chooses to end the friendship/shut you out from their life and sometimes, life happens, things change and you make the choice to end the friendship because it just isn't healthy for you anymore.
today, i lost four friendships that i treasured greatly for ten years. 
you would say, ten years, how come your friendships could not withstand the test of time? i can only quote the article i shared on facebook last week about losing friends in your 20s, "People change. This is so obvious but it's the leading cause of friendship death in your twenties so we must acknowledge it. You don't know who you are at the age of twenty but you gravitate towards who makes the most sense in that moment. Then, as you get more of a handle on yourself and what kinds of people you actually want to surround yourself with, you make necessary changes. You cut the fat. You bid farewell to those who no longer fit."

that being said, i would definitely say that distance plays a big part in tearing friendships apart as well. absence makes the heart grow fonder but with certain types of people, long distance just isn't something they can deal with. 
long distance friendships need to be worked on a lot and for people who tell me they are really busy, all i can say is, "who is not busy with their own life? no one has enough time in a day to do everything they want to do. you simply make time if you care."

i had a similar experience previously when I was in junior college. 
once again, the transition from secondary school to junior college proved too much for this friendship and it broke. 
it was a very painful process for me. 
the first feelings i felt were hurt, a sense of betrayal and loss. 
following that, i hated the sight of seeing my friend move on with her life, laughing along with her friends like nothing happened. 
i remember that for years, i would have dreams of better times during our friendship and then wake up and realize that it was all just a dream. i would then have to go to school again and face the reality that that all belongs in the past now and that in the present reality, we are no longer friends. 

each year at christmas as i wrote my christmas cards, i would think long and hard for days if i should send her a christmas card. some years i did but most years i stopped myself. 
even after graduating from junior college, the dreams still came to me occasionally. the first year after we graduated from junior college, we had a secondary school class gathering and this friend of mine initiated a conversation with me to ask me if i was going. we ended up seeing each other at the gathering and we were polite but things had changed drastically between us and we... didn't really have anything to say to each other. 

i am a very sentimental person and so oftentimes you'll see me in my room just looking through my stacks of albums of photos. i like to take photos because it captures the moments and memories so well. 
but in situations like this, that very reason i love photos torture me to the very depths because it reminds me clearly of what i've lost. 
it has been almost ten years since i've experienced all that and when they say time will heal all wounds, it really does. 
i don't know when this happened but one day i reached a point where even those very photos can't affect me anymore. i look at them and i feel nothing. nothing.

when friendships end, your world crumbles for a little bit because good friends are not meant to be your drama; they're meant to be your escape away from your drama. 
when friendships end, most of the time you can't even pinpoint what exactly happened, nor would it be productive to do so. continuing to ruminate about the friendship will only make you more depressed rather than bring about closure. 
if there's something i've learned from the last time, it's to just move on. just like the breaking apart of a relationship, friendships are also casualties of time. let it go and don't dwell on it.
all that needs to be remembered is time will preserve the special relationships.
take time to mourn over it but then once you're done, move on quickly and don't allow yourself to just continue to sit on the matter. 
remember that with every ending, there is a new beginning. smile and open your heart to making new friends. 

here are a few things i suggest/i'm personally going to do to cope with my loss(es):
  • spend time with family and friends: focus on the people who have been and will still be there for you
  • remind yourself why this loss is a positive: whatever the situation was, if you could not work it through, it is a benefit to you to no longer have this person in your life. in the long run, this frees up room in your heart for people who deserve to be there
  • focus on what you want (and don't want) in a friend: knowing this clearly, especially at this stage in life, is crucial to ensuring that you won't have to go through these heartbreak situations as often anymore
  • make new friends
  • live in the present moment and don't dwell on the past: the past is over and, like it or not, you can never get it back
alright, i've had a long day and i should go to bed. 
here's to a new day tmr and i'm glad it's the weekend cause i get to party it up with old friends (basically 20+ years of friendship and counting! childhood friends are the best haha).

xoxo,
C

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